Marriage is not the answer.

“Point.Flex.Lower body curl” My drill sergeant barre instructor chanted to a room full of sorority belles who were crunching off their past tailgating life. My Body was obeying without thought. I realized I had spaced out for most of the hour. Just going through the motions. When did I lose my ability to be present?

I realized, over the next few weeks, that it happened in Paris, at 1 in the morning, the night I got engaged.

Everyone (women who have been married) warned me that our wedding day would be a blur. No one told me that a year could also be one. I was swept off my feet and thrown into a whirlwind of love and chaos from the moment he hit his knee on a cobblestone street on the Ile de Saint Louis, behind Notre Dame. Hell, I think my eyes glazed over from our first date. I was straight smitten.

And in this same whirlwind of finding the man of my dreams was post-grad directionless wandering, my family fracturing from a divorce, displacement of my entire friend group and community, and in the end–myself.  It was a struggle to absorb the most long awaited season of my life; falling in love, planning a wedding, learning for the first time what love is between two humans in a broken world. I realized in retrospect that I had snatched the pen from the author of my life and lost intentionality. “ God I know you’ve brought me this far,but this is the important part of my life and I have to make sure it goes as I have dreamt it.”

I have spent most of my life preparing my heart, mind, and body — in hopes to be the perfect bride. I have been building a resume from the time I watched Cinderella get her glass slipper. I wanted to be able to prove with my credentials that I was worthy of being loved, chosen, and by a sensational man. I poured myself into ministry, celibacy, mentorship, cultural experiences , art, ( all beneficial things that have formed my heart and faith) in hopes to become a woman worth picking. Though these ambitions led me to fall deeper in love with my creator, a larger portion of this work than I want to believe was done in pursuit of wanting to be loved by a man. Instead of preparing myself for the ultimate wedding (Christianese for the time we will be united with our maker in the afterlife and there will be a celebration): instead of chasing after what would prepare my heart, mind,body and soul to be the bride of christ.

I would like to note that too they are one in the same. The best way to transform ourselves into loving, patient spouses is to pursue the heart of Christ.  But because I have yearned, prayed, and waited for my future husband, I lost my need for a “savior” once he arrived. I stopped looking for growth because I thought I didn’t need to. I had won the prize. Why should I still show up to practice?

Because Mark is not my savior. Marrying Mark does not answer the questions of my heart. Of I think every woman’s heart:

Am I beautiful?

Will someone choose me over all the others?

Am I interesting enough to keep someone engaged for days.. for years?

Am I smart enough to be a challenge to someone?

Am I worthy to be loved ?

I wanted marriage to prove these things. I wanted pictures of our wedding to prove these things. I wanted Mark to answer the questions of my heart. But we have already been given all these answers. Yes, every time.  

Jesus, before we entered the earth, formed us and called us his masterpieces. I am beautiful. Jesus could not stand the thought of our souls being apart. He put skin on and then died to pay a wage he knew I could not afford. to be with me.

Died. so we could be next to each other. Chosen. Loved. 

Marriage is not the answer; it is a shared adventure. 

The posts I write here will explore all of this–how to find these answers and believe them; how to stay present in my life through intentional practices; how to avoid the cropping and editing of our life stories that make the everyday details harder to see and appreciate.

Engagement Photos by Jenny Brower @jebrower